i started my journey on this past tuesday, july 28th. i left pittsburgh around lunchtime, almost. in my fantasy preparations, i am never realistic. im always like, “im gonnna leave at six a.m.!” but the previous night, i did something that i dont normally do. i went out to a show, live music n’at, and also did drinking. i had a shot … it was like a double shot, though, i swear. and then i had a beer, dinner, and then three more beers. i had two at the concert spot and they were, like, HUGE plastic cups that were pretty well filled. i think i probably put half of it on the floor. i wore flip flops and i actually had to leave barefoot because i could not loose my shoes from the floor.
so anyway i was shit faced on monday night AND im not, like, 26. so i had a slower start on tuesday. but i was up and out at 11:40. i pack heavily. i prepared for like, 3 showers and i only took two. i have like 3 more pairs of clean panties and two unworn dresses that i am taking home. i have a cardboard box full of toiletries. haha. but i am a tranny, for christs sakes! people give me shit for taking long showers … and for having a complicated beauty regimen. my only defense, or even explanation is that its because im a tranny. sure, im, like, 7 years into having my vagina and, like, 10 years into being full-time fish … but that process bathing and beautifying is still such a ritual to me. its, like, spiritual. it still feels magical in that i feel like i become something more through that process. probably based on the fact that it is that exact metamorphosis that would take me, as it does every other tranny or even drag queen, for that matter, from being a boy to being a girl. the shower, the shaving … face, legs, whatever, the make-up … hair. i stil do all of that. i mean, fortunately for me the shaving is reduced and the make-up is minimal … but still, i dont know, i cant explain it.
so my drive down on tuesday was perfect! the weather was incredible. what most people would probably describe as “too hot”. theyd probably say “too sunny” too. i think it was 88° in pittsburgh. but the sun was gorgeous and i, of course, was employing my good old friend, Aunt Claire, so i was cozy in my little car. the drive was really nice. a lot of the time, youre in west virginia. my day was made, if it werent already pretty perfect, by the lovely toll-taking woman who told me, “hah. (‘hi’)” as i paid my two dollars … anyway, its a beautiful state to drive through. it is just as scenic as it wanted to be. there are a lot of mountains to look at. everything was covered in lush greenery, it was breathtaking. at one point you cross this giant bridge through some notable gorge, flanked by signage which ive since (and to be honest, almost instantly) have/had forgotten. but, my goodness, i almost crashed trying to take in the grandeur. (an advanced “blogger” would put a picture here). if you care that much, sleuth it out on google®.
i wasnt really tired … but for some reason around 5 hours, i started to notice my attention was drifting. like, i wasnt “falling asleep at the wheel” but there were definitely some attention deficit issues going on. maybe im not the only one who noticed because if there is a god, he definitely responded. the skies pretty much opened up. it poured like a motherfucker. seriously, people had their flashers on. you couldnt see SHIT! after a full day of beautiful, perfect sunshine, i drove through hell basically. it was dark. it was, seriously POURING! funnily enough, i wasnt shitting myself. i observed that my hands werent clutching the wheel and i was proud of myself for that. ive come to recognize in my old age that i am a very tightly-wound individual . im looking for ways and places to be more relaxed in my life, so why not driving? needless to say i was pretty alert at that point, though. i arrived without a hitch. well, i drove past the place and had to turn around at the carwash.
im visiting my darling, younger brother. younger only in years. hes more mature than me by far but 9 years younger. he has more degrees than ive had genders. he highly educated. anyways, the first night we went to ‘mi pueblo’. its a mexican joint down here. we had a pitcher of margarita! the food was tasty. the significant event of the night though was “guadalajara”.so, me and scottie, this brother, and our oldest brother love this clip of the late senator teddy kennedy (d-ma) singing it to a crowd in laredo, texas during, i guess, the 2008 election. so we’re just sitting there stuffing our faces and scottie recognized the lyrics. oh my god, we pissed! then we went to, like, a wal*mart grocery store and got some snacks for the night.
wednesday was especially exciting because it was the day that i was going to go swimming! i love swimming, like, LOVE swimming. well, i never do it so maybe that is misleading. i guess i should say that i love when the opportunity to go swimming is delivered to me on a silver platter. and in this case, it was. there is a pool at scotties complex and i will swim during the days while he is workin’. i was all excited, walking over to the pool at 9:50 am. so the pool is behind the leasing office. the entrance to the pool wasnt well defined. i went into the office and asked if this was how one would access the pool. this chick was like, “do you have your pool tag?” which i did. she was like, “what apartement number?” to which i responded, “(insert porky pig stuttering) its my brother apartment.” long story short, im not on the lease, im not allowed to use the pool when he’s not there. all of this couldve been avoided if id just walked through the gate on the side of the building, but i found a way to completely fuck it up. haha. i was so deflated afterward! i sent my poor brother overly dramatic (but in the moment, what seemed like appropriate) texts about how i felt like my trip was ruined. and at that moment, it felt like it was. swimming was pretty much what i was going to do the whole time. my heart was broken. my skin was dry. and my hands were shaking from the leasing office episode.
i finally gathered my fucking senses and decided that i wasnt going to let this shit get me down. (that transition took about an hour, though). i said, lets make chicken salad here. i fired up my favorite app, google® maps®, and searched for public pools. i found out that there was a really pretty public pool only two miles away. with diving boards!!! so i drove there … it never reopened after last season! so, with like 5% battery life on my phone (and please dont judge me, being away from home has my charging cycle all fucked up), im like, “lets find another pool”! (i was obsessed). well, it was at this point, in true airhead fashion, i realized that i didnt bring the towel and blanket! i really thought for a moment, can i do it without a towel? but with the limited life of my phone, i thought, i might be able to get there but i might not have enough juice to find my way home … so i just came back.
the timing was pretty good. me and scottie were able to meet and have lunch at which wich?®, which was really good. while we ate, i left my phone to charge because i was fricking determined to swim! after lunch, i planned to drive to the pool at city lake park to swim! when i got there, there was a sign that said “ADULTS SHOULD NOT SWIM ALONE”. after the morning that id had, i was so paranoid about rules and regs, that i was sure that the cashier was going to deny me entry based on my alone adult status. she didnt give a shit though. so i dumped my crap in a locker and finally got into the pool. the sun was shining (on what was predicted to be a cloudy day) and the water felt perfect. i was kinda paddlin’ around in an area with max depth of four feet. still paranoid, i swam over to a young male lifeguard for consultation. he laughed when i asked him about the sign and said “does it really say that?” i assured him that it did and asked if that was a prohibition or a recommendation? i just imagined myself trying to swim into the deeper (albeit only 5′) area only to have some lifeguard whistling me out saying, “sir … SIR … youre not allowed to swim alone!” he allayed my fears by confirming that it is only a recommendation. he also remarked on his confidence in my abilities, probably because im so gorgeous. so i swam into the center of the pool, which luckily was pretty much empty except for me.
there were two tube-style waterslides at this place. and mentally being an adolescent of course meant that i was checking them out. i was a little self-conscious being a lone adult in an atmosphere that is mostly populated by children. it seemed pedophile-y or something. i was just feeling a little uptight. well, i was retwisting my hair before i went up the stairs to the slide and some random little girl was like, “pretty bun.” i gagged. it was so sweet. an unprovoked compliment from a kid is like a 10-carat diamond in the tranny realm. why i say that is because kids will be the first to call you out or clock you. not that i recall it specifically happening to me but a kid will be like, “mommy, thats a man” in, like, two seconds flat. and not give two shits either. anyway, that was a big confidence boost. i thanked that little chick and went up to shoot the chutes. upon the recommendation of the attendant, i rode the “cooler slide” … the closed-style one. it was pitch black and super fun. i did it again.
like, a true tranny, i insisted on wearing my hoops into the pool. i knew id feel it if one fell off. you know what? i didnt. i realized that i was going pirate style and i panicked. i cant believe it but i retraced my steps and was able to see it through the water … well, into the locker with yunz! but it was super fun! i probably exercised more in those two hours than i have for the last five years. i got some sun and breathed fresh air! it was perfect!
wednesday night we walked to dinner at carter bros. barbecue. there is no alcohol at this place. the food was freaking incredible though. i got a half-rack of pork ribs, french fries, and coleslaw. seriously, everything was SO good! i loved the coleslaw! i could only eat half of my half-rack. we were going to get ice cream too! driving to get ice cream, i swear, that food was working on me. i dont know if it was the cabbage in the coleslaw .. or the caffeine and/or sugar in the sweet tea, i felt like i was going to explode. it was like parade of the gas bubbles, theyd come and go. it was a trip! brusters® temporarily distracted me. we came home and just like every other night that i was here, we passed out in, like, 20 minutes.
yesterday, i just sat around and read the news. i read an awesome 3 part interview with camille paglia. it was on salon and it was so funny, she was talking about how shitty and intolerant modern-day liberals are and that must be who reads that site usually, because in the comments they proved her point. it was rich. cunts. anyway, after sitting around all day i got gussied up a bit to go out to ‘hops burger bar’ with scottie. it is some super popular hamburger spot … i think it was in greensboro. well, the wait was 45 minutes and it was boiling in there. poor scottie, he was so hungry even his head was watering. we stood at the bar to get drinks and this woman yells over my shoulder to the bartender, “can i taste the assclown?” well, we just about died laughing. it was just so … random. not long after though, and luckily, seats opened up for us and we were able to just eat at the bar. after one and a half vodka and grapefruit juice cocktails, my burger tasted like the best thing i ever ate. it had blue cheese and sauteed mushrooms and onions on it. it was so delicious! i give that place 5 dilators up!
then we got crêpes, which were yummy. i was just too full to adequately enjoy it. and i really thought i was pacing myself well. one disappointment was that the peaches, i think, were canned. they hardly tasted like anything. but anyway, the experience was nice. just like every other night i pretty much became incapacitated by my overstuffed tum. and we came home and passed out to nightline or something.
so that brings us to here. so this morning i wrote a blog and drank coffee. today i am going home. i feel sad because i love my little brother. call me a dork, but i love my family like best friends! i mean, it goes way beyond obligatory. we just had so many laughs and so many smiles, its sad to leave. but i have a wonderful life back at home waiting for me, with my sweet boys. (my bf and my cats). it was a perfect trip and i couldnt have asked for a cooler experience. thanks life. if you read this from beginning to end, email me and ill send you certificate.