im writing out of self-absorbtion …

i am only writing because i want people to read it. this to me is the worst reason. but i guess that there are a lot of people who do the same thing. and maybe they think that they arent. like … i dunno, someone who’s goal is to become “famous”. instead of just being so passionate and fierce that people find you and they just gag. i guess its just all about authenticity. i guess im pretty authentic so i dont need to feel bad. im already bored of myself.

the stupidity of people …

so i was watching this facebook live thing. and it actually was really cool. it was some guy playing “every-body wants to the rule the world” by tears for fears on a hammered dulcimer. im not sure if you have ever experienced FB live but if somebody actually gives a shit and anyone is paying attention, there is a live chat. well, some dumb bitch writes something like, “i see that youre in indiana, they/we (i dont remember) had tornadoes last night, i hope youre ok!” ummm, bitch, do you know what “live”means? it means, right now … as in, if that guy wasnt okay, he would be making a FB live “broadcast”. i mean, seriously … right? i saw another comment that said “whats a hammered dulcimer?” hello, fucktard, (knocks on the persons head like biff tannen, except a little harder) it’s the thing in front of your fucking face! if that person is blind, i will apologize for saying that. but, jeezaloo.

colin kaepernick can do whatever he wants. but so i can i when i decide that he is a fucking cunt. thank you.   :)   vote for donald trump.  hillary is a cunt.


i am an idiot because i basically throw my money away …

i pay to have this site. this is pretty much why i am a moron. well, i should be completely forthcoming and admit that i waste money easily on other things. well, this is not a confessional. i guess unless a priest ended up reading this. could you imagine? i think that happening would be doubtful, as i dont seem to be within the interest spectrum of the clergy. ive probably lied. ive definitely taken the lords name in vain. (for points) im sure ive disrespected my mum. i covet a lot … keep holy the sabbath. yikes. ok, check that one. no murder, no adultery. ok … anyway. i decided i should write something. im sitting here pouring my heart out in tweets that no one is reading … trying to squish my gargantuan opinions and musings into teeny little tweets. and then i come here. and my mind empties like a flushed toilet. i think that the reason that i like to spout off on twitter is because i can use it at the same time … well, i can be doing something else. like, watching “tv”. or mostly im reading news … like, reading news on my computer and then tweeting out my opinions on my mini-computer (“phone”). as if the person reading the tweet has just read the same article. i have to laugh at myself when i write this kind of crap down. its pretty fun. its like exercise.

anyway, do you want to know what is going on in the news? well, if you live in a cave you mightn’t have heard that some priest in france was lucky enough to have his head chopped off my some ISIS sympathizers. ay yi yi, right? can you imagine? sitting in church … and i’ve actually done that, im catholic. or like, “catholic”. but sitting in church, somewhere that is usually so quiet and boring … ok, yeah, and sacred, of course. and some guys come busting up in there? im terrified at the thought and now realize that this was a stupid subject to bring up.

well, actually, on the subject, i have been thinking about all this terrorism crap. and i think donald trump is right, if there are/were some bullets going in the other direction in some of these “situations” that people MIGHT end up better off. it just seems like that is the way society is going … like, we are regressing to a bit of a wild west mentality. but goddammit, if i am sitting in a restaurant and one person comes in and starts shooting up the place, id be happier to have a gun than to not. right? i mean, even maybe to just blast your own head all over your surroundings because you dont want to be stabbed in the stomach and tortured like the poor people at the bataclan. i mean, hmmm … shoot myself or be tortured … be lacerated and end up with my testicles severed and placed in my mouth. i was thinking about making some kind of transsexualism joke here but it seems in appropriate.

anyway, my point was that you might be able to be a total bad-ass and save the day. forgive me for being raised on movies. but anyway, in a situation where you need help immediately and dont even have the time to wait for the police, wouldnt you rather that there be a couple of guys, sexist, sorry, hahahaha, people in the restaurant who are packing heat … and who know how to aim to “neutralize”? sorry, im with mrs. feldman on this one. feldman

hey, the democrat national convention just ended. i didnt watch a second. and personally i dont really give a shit. i have watched hillary clinton speak more than enough times. i actually prefer when she barks. or coughs. at least for once it is something different. everyone kinda seems to hate her. i feel like she is not changing anyones minds. the only people who are “excited” or are guaranteed to vote for her are assholes like me who made sure i went out to the polls to vote for (gag) john mccain and mittsie. both times i went and both times i lost … so i am happy now. i feel like the donald actually does have a big heart and killer instincts. and hopefully throughout the fall he will find a way to endear himself to everyone … hillary certainly cant do it. who the fuck knows? eh … i dont want to ramble on about the politics n’at so im going to stop typing. well, yeah. im stopping.   :)

out of boredom …

all i do is sit here and read the news. i should say the “news”. because i read about fashion and celebrities (in addition to politics and current events). i am so bored because there is no new news, so i thought, hmmm … maybe i’ll write something. i am not really upset about any particular topic but i am kind of sad because today i started hating a plunging neckline. for the longest time, a plunging neckline was, like, my favorite look of all time. like, chest bones and stuff to me are just, like, sensual or something. collarbones n’at. you get my drift. so anyways, recently i have been so over the naked dress … like, back in the day, every once in a while, someone would wear a naked-ish dress and it would kill. now its like a race to the bottom. jennifer lopez is a great example. she’s like, 50 and she’s walking around, god, id love to say half-dressed but i think that would be giving her too much credit. it’s just fucking gross. she got the body for it and everything even, its just that it’s vulgar. and more that that, it’s fucking TIRED! i feel like this is all a shockwave of the kardashian effect. kim kardashian is a fucking pig. and i dont mean because she is pregnant, that is too easy. i mean she is a pig because she is a mother and pregnant with her second child and she dressed like a prostitute. worse even. i saw a picture of her recently and basically she had on underwear and piece of black lace. its just gross. every gown you see anymore includes fucking trunks. ewww, im even annoying myself.

about #IStandWithAhmed

so i found out about this stuff after work. if you are not aware, and this is the short-short version, some middle-eastern kid made a homemade clock and took it to school. i did not see a picture but from what i gather, it had a similar look to the time bombs that you see in the movies. wires poking out with a digital face. not to be insensitive but arent there brilliant young people, of all backgrounds, doing more than making a clock? i mean, the way that he did it may have been quite ingenious, i dont have firsthand knowledge of the … i dont know, “design”,but i am not so excited about a clock … they are pretty commonplace. but i digress! anyway, the kid brings it to school and chaos ensues. i mean, honestly, you couldnt make that up. so i guess the kid got major shit over it. i saw a picture of him in handcuffs so i am assuming he was arrested. i feel like this is totally fucked up.

what i find so annoying though is a bunch of fucking attention starved assholes tweeting/posting/instagramming/whatever about it. its like, oh, you feel bad for the kid? yeah, some teenager who got all mixed up in a fucked up situation? who wouldnt? honestly? is that bold to declare? give me a fucking break. quit pretending that this is about him and not you. youre pathetic. that kids got all that shit to sort out. im sure the last thing he cares about is some pompous cunt tweeting about being an physicist at MIT. it just makes my tranny blood boil. people are so stupid.

people are pissed because everyone freaked out when a kid brought something that, lets be honest, couldve pretty closely resembled a homemade bomb … i mean, we freak out over something that looks like a DUFFEL BAG for christs sakes.

jesus, i could go on and on about this but i already hate myself.

high point, nc … an experience

i started my journey on this past tuesday, july 28th. i left pittsburgh around lunchtime, almost. in my fantasy preparations, i am never realistic.  im always like, “im gonnna leave at six a.m.!” but the previous night, i did something that i dont normally do. i went out to a show, live music n’at, and also did drinking. i had a shot … it was like a double shot, though, i swear. and then i had a beer, dinner, and then three more beers. i had two at the concert spot and they were, like, HUGE plastic cups that were pretty well filled. i think i probably put half of it on the floor.  i wore flip flops and i actually had to leave barefoot because i could not loose my shoes from the floor.

so anyway i was shit faced on monday night AND im not, like, 26. so i had a slower start on tuesday. but i was up and out at 11:40. i pack heavily. i prepared for like, 3 showers and i only took two. i have like 3 more pairs of clean panties and two unworn dresses that i am taking home. i have a cardboard box full of toiletries. haha. but i am a tranny, for christs sakes! people give me shit for taking long showers … and for having a complicated beauty regimen. my only defense, or even explanation is that its because im a tranny. sure, im, like, 7 years into having my vagina and, like, 10 years into being full-time fish … but that process bathing and beautifying is still such a ritual to me. its, like, spiritual. it still feels magical in that i feel like i become something more through that process. probably based on the fact that it is that exact metamorphosis that would take me, as it does every other tranny or even drag queen, for that matter, from being a boy to being a girl. the shower, the shaving … face, legs, whatever, the make-up … hair. i stil do all of that. i mean, fortunately for me the shaving is reduced and the make-up is minimal … but still, i dont know, i cant explain it.

so my drive down on tuesday was perfect! the weather was incredible. what most people would probably describe as “too hot”. theyd probably say “too sunny” too. i think it was 88° in pittsburgh. but the sun was gorgeous and i, of course, was employing my good old friend, Aunt Claire, so i was cozy in my little car. the drive was really nice. a lot of the time, youre in west virginia. my day was made, if it werent already pretty perfect, by the lovely toll-taking woman who told me, “hah. (‘hi’)” as i paid my two dollars … anyway, its a beautiful state to drive through. it is just as scenic as it wanted to be. there are a lot of mountains to look at. everything was covered in lush greenery, it was breathtaking. at one point you cross this giant bridge through some notable gorge, flanked by signage which ive since (and to be honest, almost instantly) have/had forgotten. but, my goodness, i almost crashed trying to take in the grandeur. (an advanced “blogger” would put a picture here). if you care that much, sleuth it out on google®.

i wasnt really tired … but for some reason around 5 hours, i started to notice my attention was drifting. like, i wasnt “falling asleep at the wheel” but there were definitely some attention deficit issues going on. maybe im not the only one who noticed because if there is a god, he definitely responded. the skies pretty much opened up. it poured like a motherfucker. seriously, people had their flashers on. you couldnt see SHIT! after a full day of beautiful, perfect sunshine, i drove through hell basically. it was dark. it was, seriously  POURING! funnily enough, i wasnt shitting myself. i observed that my hands werent clutching the wheel and i was proud of myself for that. ive come to recognize in my old age that i am a very tightly-wound individual . im looking for ways and places to be more relaxed in my life, so why not driving? needless to say i was pretty alert at that point, though. i arrived without a hitch. well, i drove past the place and had to turn around at the carwash.

im visiting my darling, younger brother. younger only in years. hes more mature than me by far but 9 years younger. he has more degrees than ive had genders. he highly educated. anyways, the first night we went to ‘mi pueblo’. its a mexican joint down here. we had a pitcher of margarita! the food was tasty. the significant event of the night though was “guadalajara”.so, me and scottie, this brother, and our oldest brother love this clip of the late senator teddy kennedy (d-ma) singing it to a crowd in laredo, texas during, i guess, the 2008 election. so we’re just sitting there stuffing our faces and scottie recognized the lyrics. oh my god, we pissed! then we went to, like, a wal*mart grocery store and got some snacks for the night.

wednesday was especially exciting because it was the day that i was going to go swimming! i love swimming, like, LOVE swimming. well, i never do it so maybe that is misleading. i guess i should say that i love when the opportunity to go swimming is delivered to me on a silver platter. and in this case, it was. there is a pool at scotties complex and i will swim during the days while he is workin’. i was all excited, walking over to the pool at 9:50 am. so the pool is behind the leasing office. the entrance to the pool wasnt well defined. i went into the office and asked if this was how one would access the pool. this chick was like, “do you have your pool tag?” which i did. she was like, “what apartement number?” to which i responded, “(insert porky pig stuttering) its my brother apartment.” long story short, im not on the lease, im not allowed to use the pool when he’s not there. all of this couldve been avoided if id just walked through the gate on the side of the building, but i found a way to completely fuck it up. haha. i was so deflated afterward! i sent my poor brother overly dramatic (but in the moment, what seemed like appropriate) texts about how i felt like my trip was ruined. and at that moment, it felt like it was. swimming was pretty much what i was going to do the whole time. my heart was broken. my skin was dry. and my hands were shaking from the leasing office episode.

i finally gathered my fucking senses and decided that i wasnt going to let this shit get me down. (that transition took about an hour, though). i said, lets make chicken salad here. i fired up my favorite app, google® maps®, and searched for public pools. i found out that there was a really pretty public pool only two miles away. with diving boards!!! so i drove there … it never reopened after last season! so, with like 5% battery life on my phone (and please dont judge me, being away from home has my charging cycle all fucked up), im like, “lets find another pool”! (i was obsessed). well, it was at this point, in true airhead fashion, i realized that i didnt bring the towel and blanket! i really thought for a moment, can i do it without a towel? but with the limited life of my phone, i thought, i might be able to get there but i might not have enough juice to find my way home … so i just came back.

the timing was pretty good. me and scottie were able to meet and have lunch at which wich?®, which was really good. while we ate, i left my phone to charge because i was fricking determined to swim! after lunch, i planned to drive to the pool at city lake park to swim! when i got there, there was a sign that said “ADULTS SHOULD NOT SWIM ALONE”. after the morning that id had, i was so paranoid about rules and regs, that i was sure that the cashier was going to deny me entry based on my alone adult status. she didnt give a shit though. so i dumped my crap in a locker and finally got into the pool. the sun was shining (on what was predicted to be a cloudy day) and the water felt perfect. i was kinda paddlin’ around in an area with max depth of four feet. still paranoid, i swam over to a young male lifeguard for consultation. he laughed when i asked him about the sign and said “does it really say that?” i assured him that it did and asked if that was a prohibition or a recommendation? i just imagined myself trying to swim into the deeper (albeit only 5′) area only to have some lifeguard whistling me out saying, “sir … SIR … youre not allowed to swim alone!” he allayed my fears by confirming that it is only a recommendation. he also remarked on his confidence in my abilities, probably because im so gorgeous. so i swam into the center of the pool, which luckily was pretty much empty except for me.

there were two tube-style waterslides at this place. and mentally being an adolescent of course meant that i was checking them out. i was a little self-conscious being a lone adult in an atmosphere that is mostly populated by children. it seemed pedophile-y or something. i was just feeling a little uptight. well, i was retwisting my hair before i went up the stairs to the slide and some random little girl was like, “pretty bun.” i gagged. it was so sweet. an unprovoked compliment from a kid is like a 10-carat diamond in the tranny realm. why i say that is because kids will be the first to call you out or clock you. not that i recall it specifically happening to me but a kid will be like, “mommy, thats a man” in, like, two seconds flat. and not give two shits either. anyway, that was a big confidence boost. i thanked that little chick and went up to shoot the chutes. upon the recommendation of the attendant, i rode the “cooler slide” … the closed-style one. it was pitch black and super fun. i did it again.

like, a true tranny, i insisted on wearing my hoops into the pool. i knew id feel it if one fell off. you know what? i didnt. i realized that i was going pirate style and i panicked. i cant believe it but i retraced my steps and was able to see it through the water … well, into the locker with yunz! but it was super fun! i probably exercised more in those two hours than i have for the last five years. i got some sun and breathed fresh air! it was perfect!

wednesday night we walked to dinner at carter bros. barbecue. there is no alcohol at this place. the food was freaking incredible though. i got a half-rack of pork ribs, french fries, and coleslaw. seriously, everything was SO good! i loved the coleslaw! i could only eat half of my half-rack. we were going to get ice cream too! driving to get ice cream, i swear, that food was working on me. i dont know if it was the cabbage in the coleslaw .. or the caffeine and/or sugar in the sweet tea, i felt like i was going to explode. it was like parade of the gas bubbles, theyd come and go. it was a trip! brusters® temporarily distracted me. we came home and just like every other night that i was here, we passed out in, like, 20 minutes.

yesterday, i just sat around and read the news. i read an awesome 3 part interview with camille paglia. it was on salon and it was so funny, she was talking about how shitty and intolerant modern-day liberals are and that must be who reads that site usually, because in the comments they proved her point. it was rich. cunts. anyway, after sitting around all day i got gussied up a bit to go out to ‘hops burger bar’ with scottie. it is some super popular hamburger spot … i think it was in greensboro. well, the wait was 45 minutes and it was boiling in there. poor scottie, he was so hungry even his head was watering. we stood at the bar to get drinks and this woman yells over my shoulder to the bartender, “can i taste the assclown?” well, we just about died laughing. it was just so … random. not long after though, and luckily, seats opened up for us and we were able to just eat at the bar. after one and a half vodka and grapefruit juice cocktails, my burger tasted like the best thing i ever ate. it had blue cheese and sauteed mushrooms and onions on it. it was so delicious! i give that place 5 dilators up!

then we got crêpes, which were yummy. i was just too full to adequately enjoy it. and i really thought i was pacing myself well. one disappointment was that the peaches, i think, were canned. they hardly tasted like anything. but anyway, the experience was nice. just like every other night i pretty much became incapacitated by my overstuffed tum. and we came home and passed out to nightline or something.

so that brings us to here. so this morning i wrote a blog and drank coffee. today i am going home. i feel sad because i love my little brother. call me a dork, but i love my family like best friends! i mean, it goes way beyond obligatory. we just had so many laughs and so many smiles, its sad to leave. but i have a wonderful life back at home waiting for me, with my sweet boys. (my bf and my cats). it was a perfect trip and i couldnt have asked for a cooler experience. thanks life. if you read this from beginning to end, email me and ill send you certificate.

toiling away in obscurity …

im not exactly sure why i feel an urgency to always define myself … i guess its not a bad thing. id say, maybe it comes from a place of having respect for principled people. but im always trying to “figure out” who i am. its silly … the other day i was standing in macy’s and im wondering to myself, “what kind of belt are you?” a belt can be pretty defining. i guess i just want to have a style … at least in my head, i guess. i mean, i wore flared (but only slightly, thank god) jeans and running shoes to work today. that is hardly “stylish”. but in my mind, if i had the right shoes, id have a pretty specific sense of style. jesus, five seconds ago,writing this seemed like a good idea. haha.

anyway, the point of this entry was supposed to be about singing the praises of toiling away in obscurity. about how the concept is kinda cool. like, i want people to notice me just as much as the next cisgendered bitch, but i find aggressive “hustlers” to be such a turn-off. especially when the only currency you have is your, and i use this term lightly, personality. like, im trying to just be happy with the process. and its true … im writing this just because i want to. maybe in my mind, millions of people are reading it … but im trying to be focused on not caring if anybody does. i guess all i want to be is someone that i wouldnt throw shade at.

who knows what the fuck im gettin’ at. haha. chairs.

the world from here …

i feel like glenn beck. haha. i mean, i hardly have an opportunity to listen to him that much but when i have been able to listen .., it seems like he is … i dont know, like, having some sort of rebirth. like, hmmm … like, i guess that he wants to get away from “gotcha” a little … like, maybe … like, oh how pollyanna-ish you might say,  but like, maybe there is more to it than who has suffered the latest scandal … and i dont think he means that in a way to let poeple off when they’re pullin’ some shit. anyway, i am boring myself. originally, i wanted to sound off on an article that i read today about unlegal immigrant trans ladies … and their undeniable right to hormones … i was like, (record scratch) “the hell?!” not even that this is about me because now im lucky enough to have my shit together … like, i have my hormones and i have my pussy, hello! i can certainly vividly remember being a 20 something androgynous disaster … trust me, i was pretty much a fucking mess … i mean, at the time i thought i was “working it” but at least maybe i can find some joy in knowing that i feel like im better than i was … i mean, isnt that what life is all about? seeing pictures of your old self and thinking that you look so much better now? so anyways … i remember being all gross and i would have died for hormones when i was younger … to be honest though im not sure i would have taken them from uncle sugar … i have my pride, you know! see, i obviously didnt formulate my thoughts because i thought about writing about how it was unfair that the government may be providing hormones to unlegals when there are perfectly gross american trans(s)exuals who are desperately in need! but really, as i was writing i realized that it is horse shit that *anybody* would be receiving hormones on the taxpayers dime. i mean, i know how bad it sucks to be a struggling trans(s)exual, i was one! but i am not sure that the condition would warrant people paying their taxes to subsidize you. i fully 100% feel like being a trans(s)exual woman is something that a person is “born with” … lets just make that clear … but it is a lifestyle choice to pursue. before i could afford to really pursue this life, i worked it as much as i could, honey. i went out there and busted my butt for my money, though. not that i even want pity for it but i have been laughed at and ridiculed in public. thank jesus, that doesnt happen anymore, i know it aint easy, trust me. but i dont know, it just seems like “i am paying my taxes to pay for some lazy trans(s)exual bitch to get hormones?” i dont fucking think so.

to orgasm® or not to orgasm® …

i am thinking about blush. particularly about a blush from NARS®. anybody that follows makeup knows that NARS® orgasm is, like, the blush. it always wins “allure” magazines best blush in the annual best in beauty awards. anyway, so i have been lusting over orgasm for the longest. i asked for it as a christmas gift. my sweet little brother tried to but it for me but they didnt have it in stock at sephora. so he got me a gift card … now i am wondering if maybe i should try a different shade. like a peachy or apricot colored one. orgasm is pretty pink and my skin is pink enough already. oh my god, this post sucks. sorry.